You haven’t realized it yet, but that stiff, white dress shirt (forever creased from being folded up in some plastic sack and sold with a cheaply made tie), doesn’t exactly make you look like Don Draper. Think more along the lines of deranged, old-timey ice cream man or stressed-out cubicle jockey.

And pastel colored polo shirts, collars popped or unpopped, are a symbol of slavery to the whims of mall-window mannequins. It doesn’t matter how many you wear on top of one another. You’re being tricked into clearing out warehouses of stuff dudes on yachts grew tired of in the early ’80s. Polo shirts make you look like the bad guys in the “Revenge of the Nerds” movies.

And your T-shirts are comfy but unless they’re brand new, they’re sloppy. Are you really going to try to conduct yourself seriously with some wrinkled, faded sweatshop product draped over you? It’s got the Captain America shield on it for Pete’s sake.

Get a job, you hippie. It’s time you got yourself some appropriate upper body wear.

You’re a grown man. You need to look professional but cool – tough but approachable – sexy and super sexy. What you need is a good, old-fashioned Hawaiian shirt.

Hawaiian shirts, though they certainly appear quite exotic, are available all over the U.S. They are made of a magical, lightweight material that caresses one’s skin like an island breeze and sweetly wisps the sweatiness off of even the fattest of shirt aficionados. You are literally going to look cool – super cool.

Their bright-colored motifs let the world know you’re a born rebel, unaffected by social conventions like matching or being inoffensive to the eyes.

Flowers, trees, tiki idols, hula girls, drinks, and even flowers; these wild design elements are sure to make you the talk of the town – a boring, terrible, mundane, little town but you don’t care. You’re going native.

These magnificent juggernauts of the fashion world can be had at retailers from Nordstrom to Goodwill but mostly Goodwill.

You’re a man and you’re here to party. Wear that oddly shaped shirt with pride and watch the wahinis come running.

Rating: A+

To contact Jorge Krzyzaniak, email seniorwriter@occc.edu