Last semester I shocked the world by coming off a decades old high horse of music snobbery.
I gave a glowing review to a popular, overplayed, mainstream song. I received more feedback from my review of Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass” than anything else I’d written.
It’s time I restore balance to the world of musical criticism. Today I will review all other music performed by this pop sensation who calls herself Meghan Trainor.
It’s not going to be pretty.
Having finally heard other tracks from Trainor’s breakout album “Title,” my disgust for current top 40 radio has been thoroughly restored.
In sticking to some disturbing trend for songs to drone on without a single moment’s rest from bizarre vocalizations, Meghan Trainor’s “singing” has become an all-out assault on the ears.
Each of Trainor’s songs consists of tracks upon tracks of vocals, often in the same key, layered densely over the unchanging tempo of the drum machine. Every second is filled with multiple Meghan Trainor voices squealing and vibrating in the background of other Meghan Trainor voices reading bumper stickers out loud or whatever she does to get her lyrics.
Trainor’s music has served only to prove that she is barely about that bass. Instead, she relies almost exclusively upon treble.
Meghan Trainor, you have made me question my whole existence.
Her melodies seem to be little more than autonomous regurgitations of 1990s Paula Abdul jams but none of the good ones (don’t act like there isn’t at least one 90s Paula Abdul song that you secretly love).
So, straight up now, tell me if you’re really going to keep perpetuating this type of musical garbage Meghan Trainor.
Your songs are manufactured for you by analytic computer software. Your entire persona has been manipulated to appeal to the dullest parts of the human subconscious. And the tracks of your hit album are a musical misadventure, leading listeners by the ear to wade through endless layers of steaming trash and the stinking leftovers of a musical era you know nothing about.
Overall, not bad.
To contact Jorge Krzyzaniak, email firstname.lastname@example.org