Hat falls short of desired results

Religion is dandy and everything, but it’s never really been on my life’s radar. I don’t know much about it or participate in it. Naturally, I thought it would be hilariously ironic to buy a hat with the words, “I heart Jesus” on it.

For some reason, seeing that hat online made me laugh out loud. I couldn’t imagine who would buy it. I get that people want to share their faith with the world, but would anyone seriously do it in such a goofy way?

“I heart Jesus,” like “I heart New York”? It’s a step above “The Lord is my Shepherd and All I Got was this Lousy Eternal Paradise.”


As I searched the hat all over, I realized there was no company logo on it. Nobody is proud of this hat.

When I started wearing it, I was extremely disappointed by the results. First off, I realized that people almost never read other people’s hats. And it doesn’t help that I’m in the upper height percentages.

As for the people who did comment on it, they mostly just said, “You love Jesus, huh?” And I’d have to say, “Dude. You’ve known me for five years. You know I’m not religious.” And they’d say, “Oh, yeah. Why are you wearing it?” And my cheeky little joke would be smitten down and banished to the lake of fire.

I’d occasionally run into a jokester that would say, “Oh, you’re in love with ‘Hey-zoos’?” like I’m in a gay relationship with a regular Latino guy.

I hadn’t expected that result. It turns out that on the website where I got the hat, you can get “I heart Jesus” or “I heart Jesus Christ.” If only I’d opted to pay the extra for the “Christ,” I could have been spared from some terribly lazy jokes.

I soon found the “I heart Jesus” hat has no ironic or genuine value.

Needless to say, I moved back into my cozy Under Armor hat, and there are no problems with it aside from people constantly mistaking the “UA” logo for a letter “H”. But I forgive them, for they know not what they do.

To see more of these stupid hats, visit zazzle.com.

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