Despite fancy label, it still tastes like water

August 15, 2014 Review Print Print
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It’s been argued that water is free and we shouldn’t pay for it. I beg to differ.

Human beings are mostly composed of water so we should care what kind we add to our bodies.

Tap water tastes like a hospital smells so I would not consider drinking water to be free.

Aquafina is decent. It is slightly nutty, but smooth and round.

Dasani is pleasantly sharp, but the aftertaste can only be washed out with soda or chocolate milk.

Ozarka has the minerals I crave, but it’s too savory for my delicate palate.

Because of this, the only water I will drink is my own concoction. It is equal parts Ozarka, Dasani and Aquafina. This is a huge pain to mix, so I normally just drink Dr Pepper.

When I noticed a bottle of Glaceau Smartwater at my local dollar store, I was taken by surprise. The bottle had a sleek design and the water within looked much more watery than the other waters.

The label boasted that it was “pure and crisp like from a cloud,” so I grabbed it up. Clouds have always looked delicious to me, and it’s disgusting to think that most other bottled water comes from a filthy spring.

The bottle cost $1.25, which seems like a lot, but remember, this is a piece of cloud we’re talking about.

I put the bottle up to my lips and felt the room temperature liquid bubble past my tongue. I anticipated a rush of energy from the electrolytes floating in the tiny currents.

Just as I expected, it tasted like water.

It tasted like Aquafina. It tasted like Dasani. It tasted like Ozarka. It tasted like Perrier. And it tasted like the wishing fountain at the mall. It tasted like my own saliva.

It was water: that tasteless, shapeless, colorless, ridiculously simple molecule that literally surrounds us in almost every environment.

If someone has just finished mowing the lawn and is dying of thirst, water can be delicious.

There is a drink that tastes amazing any time at any place, however. It is called beer. Have a bottle today. Please stop destroying the planet with plastic.

Rating: C

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