Americans not motivated enough

Jake McMahonAs a white American male, my life has been amazing (not that I care). In the 22 years I’ve been alive, I’ve had zero obstacles to overcome. There are Kardashians who have worked harder than I. Literally, the only thing standing in the way of my success is myself.

I am in my fourth year of getting my two-year associate degree. I have failed three or four classes because I didn’t feel like doing some of the work. I made straight As in school when I was younger. One day, for some bizarre reason, I got lazy. I’ve been lazy ever since.

I’m ashamed to admit that, but I’m not the only one in this situation. Many of us are riding yachts on a chocolate river to Amazing Futureville. Instead of firing up the engines and driving the boat, however, we’re all taking naps on the deck.

Meanwhile, there are other people on the river passing us in tiny canoes. They are paddling their hearts out because they have to. Soon, these people will all fill up Amazing Futureville and there will be no room left for us. Sure, we’ll start driving our boats so we can win the race. Later. Maybe.

My family is poor by most people’s standards. I have a good job, though, and the government helps me out with my education. I’ve never been without food or shelter. If I got good grades, I could go to an amazing university. I don’t try to get good grades, though. I hate myself for not trying, but not enough to actually try. So I hate myself for not trying. So why try when I hate myself so much?

Motivation is a first-world problem. Undeveloped nations don’t have people like us. When someone is pointing a gun at your grandmother, you’re extremely motivated whether you decide to do what the gunman says or say goodbye to granny and run to a place safe for appropriate grieving.

Motivation is hard to get. The reason, by the way, is Netflix. A month of cheap food costs roughly $200. A month of rent in a decent apartment is $500 a month. For the luckier ones, bare bones insurance is $100 a month. Good Internet is roughly $100 a month. Netflix is $8 a month. That means for less than $11,000 a year, a human being can have every conceivable pleasure and necessity of existence. did some research into the matter. “ … Only 45 percent of the people that reported using Netflix were actual subscribers. The rest were family and friends using the subscriber’s account. This implies that average usage per user could be more like 40 minutes.”

Even if a person claims to watch only the average amount, that’s 40 minutes a day of being soothed by commercial-free excellence.

Beyond Netflix and Hot Pockets and Dr Pepper and a warm bed, there is not much more a person needs to be kept as docile as an old dog. If they began offering free Netflix in prison, about a billion people would commit murder tomorrow.

Netflix symbolizes the final step we’ve taken toward absolute decadence. It will only be obsolete when movies are things we can literally walk into. With 40 minutes a day, a person can learn a new language, write letters to congressmen, and develop sexy hiphop abs. For the unmotivated, Netflix needs to be canceled and removed like a tumor.

To contact Jake McMahon, email

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