Snapshot device a tiny, twisted narc

September 15, 2014 Review Print Print
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After reviewing things that impress me and some things that I’ve enjoyed, I wanted to challenge myself to write about something I hate. This is difficult as there is so little I hate aside from intolerance and music by The Eagles.

However, after much deliberation I’ve pinpointed an evil that irks me as much as Don Henley’s disgusting, neutral melodies — Progressive insurance company’s Snapshot device.

The Snapshot device is a tiny, filthy robot; a twisted narc that monitors your driving and tattles on you to your insurance company.

It plugs into your car, collecting GPS data and sitting mostly in silent judgment. It remains hidden under your dash and prefers to stay just quiet enough for you to forget it’s there. Any time you brake hard though, the confounded contraption will audibly ridicule you with a loud, nagging beep.

It’s as if this thing’s designed to test your threshold for road rage, pushing you closer to the breaking point with its every chirp.

The incessant beeping of this terrible thing draws sputtering vows of unspeakable viscousness from me like I’m possessed.

My morning commute leaves me ashamed of the beast I’ve become.

And still the Snapshot mocks me.

I now find myself refusing to use my brakes at all.

Fearful of the beeping, I meet the challenge of every yellow traffic light, sometimes with breakneck acceleration.

I drift far into crosswalks and intersections, losing almost all regard for human life.

Beneath the robotic gaze of this cruel, new master, I bear down with my tiny car upon anything unlucky enough to turn or swerve into my direct path.

You think I’m joking but I’m not.

Please forgive me for the carnage I cause and for my utter disregard for the rules of the road for I cannot stop.

I simply cannot endure another infernal beep from this thing. To Snapshot, I give my harshest rating yet.

Rating: B-

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