I need money. I’m not asking you for money, though if you email me I will give you my mailing address and a picture of my smiling face each time you do. I’m just explaining why I went to CSL Plasma.

CSL Plasma is a place where people can be plugged into a machine that sucks out their blood.

After the blood is sucked out, it is separated into the blood cells (the “jelly-ish” part of the blood) and the plasma (the watery part of the blood). Afterward, they give your cells back and keep the plasma for their own greedy, life-saving agenda.

Plasma is good because, unlike whole blood, anyone’s plasma can go into anyone’s veins. At CSL Plasma, they don’t care what your blood type is. Everyone is paid the same.

Well, actually, that isn’t technically true. People who weigh more than 150 pounds can donate more plasma in one day, so they are paid considerably more than little skinny people — usually women. It seems a little unfair and sexist, but I only get mad about sexism the few times it negatively affects me.

For newcomers, CSL Plasma gives out a cool $50 for everyone’s first five visits, regardless of weight, as long as it’s within 21 days. After that, the pay isn’t so good.

I went twice and had two very different experiences.

On visit one, I was there for four hours.

I took my girlfriend, so it slowed me down a bit, doing everything after her. We had to read some documents, sign some things, have our pictures taken and do a physical.

Since it was our first time, we got VIP treatment and got to go straight to the front of the insanely long line. It was a Saturday afternoon, so we vowed not to come back on a Saturday afternoon.

I sat on a plastic-ish recliner thing for about an hour as they drained me. The needle hurt a little bit the entire time. My girlfriend told me hers didn’t hurt at all. I gave that day a C+. I took my $50 to the Cuppies and Joe coffee shop across the street for a delicious orange brownie.

Four days later at 9 a.m. on a Wednesday, the line was only 10 deep. We got to the chairs in no time and I got my needle in by 9:30 a.m.

Unfortunately, not long after they got the needle in, the lady attending me got a funny look on her face.

She told me I had an “infil,” or an infiltration. In other words, they missed my vein and a bit of fluid got pumped into my arm tissue.

I had to stop and leave. I still got paid, though. For me, that day was an A-.

All in all, I’ve done way more repulsive and unpleasant things for $100.

I would go back again, but only until the $50 deal runs out.

CSL Plasma is located at 716 NW 23rd St. in Oklahoma City. No appointment needed.

Rating: B