Oh my children, I tell you there’s a pox descending upon this land.
I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins howls from the swamps of the hereafter. Jimi Hendrix turns in his grave and Joey Ramone weeps.
The spirit of rock ‘n’ roll is angry. Now is the time to repent!
We’ve let ourselves be putrefied by this pestilence long enough. Look upon this wicked thing that calls itself “hipster.”
The hipster walks amongst us in peach-colored shorts and boating shoes so as not to intimidate by appearance. But I swear to you, unnecessary, over-sized glasses and clever mustaches are but a ruse.
Don’t be fooled for the hipster has his ways about him, and he is working day and night to destroy everything you know in your heart to be real and good.
I say it plainly; hipsters are killing rock ‘n’ roll.
They make a perverse mockery of the punk ethic of performing with instruments of which they don’t yet know how to play.
The demented hipster does so in his quest to be ever more clever than his peers, with cellos, banjos and other such implements never intended to be bastardized upon the dive-bar stage.
Do not be tempted by the hipster’s ways; the novelty white deejays and soft music. Do not succumb to the lure of cantankerous sounds they claim to be “chill” or “super chill.”
Cast out its lack of melody and its trite lyrics about acorns, always whispered so stone-faced toward over-priced microphones. This is an abomination!
Music is not made to be chill. Youth is not to squander on lethargicality. Music was made for aggression and lament.
Pursuing disgusting trends is no reason to let slip everything about the human soul that makes us powerful and intimidating.
The spirit of rock ‘n’ roll compels you. Be gone you worthless hipster music.
In the name of G.G. Allin I say unto you hipsters, “Bite it, you scum.” Take your music and be gone.
For the hipsters and all their terrible music I give the most deserved rating. May the almighty Henry Rollins have mercy upon your souls.
To contact Jorge Krzyzaniak, email firstname.lastname@example.org