As a man with a small rodent attached to his chin, I must adhere to an unnecessary hygiene quota I otherwise wouldn’t if I lacked facial hair.

For instance, I have to wipe my mouth more often when eating messy foods.

Unless I’m having spaghetti alone on a Friday evening, I can kiss the leftovers I’d generally store in my beard goodbye — for some reason, people in public are disgusted when my facial hair also functions as my lunch box.

While mustaches and beards work wonders as storage space, a friend of mine offered me a quick fix when your whiskers prevent you from being taken seriously as an adult.

It was as simple as an Elmer’s Glue Stick.

Although using elementary school glue certainly isn’t as fancy as expensive mustache wax and other hair products, it’s an easy and harmless way to tame your mane.

An average pack of Elmer’s Glue Sticks is under $5 and likely contains the same ingredients as other wax styling products.

Simply apply the glue to your mustache and your hair is ready to be sculpted into any ridiculous shape you can imagine.

A handlebar, an elephant, the Mona Lisa — whatever you desire your facial hair to be, the Elmer’s Glue Stick can make it happen.

Because the glue is non-toxic and washes off with water, it doesn’t threaten your health and is probably a lot safer than whatever $75 conditioner Paul Mitchell suggests.

It’s compact size also makes the Elmer’s Glue Stick the perfect portable accessory for any man with facial hair.

Don’t be fooled by Men’s Health magazine when it comes to taming your mane — simply grab a school supply list and check off the Elmer’s Glue Stick for the perfect paste to style your ’stache.

Rating: A